Finishing it off with a good nipple scrub

Sandwiched between a minor collision in Hanoi and a good nipple scrub in Hoi An, Chris and Kelly have endured two weeks in Vietnam and brought us many smiles along the way.  If the adorable Smurf ponchos they began their vacation with were not enough to endear them to you, then perhaps you will prefer the yellow "Peep" poncho look that Chris adopted in Hoi An (having blown out the seams on the Smurf poncho on day two of the freezing drizzle in Hanoi).  Sadly, the fact that there was so much discussion about poncho fashion indicates that the weather was far from stellar throughout their stay.

The rain, however, did not dampen their spirits and enthusiasm for doing everything Hoi An had to offer...swimming and sunbathing (for one lousy day), shopping in the Ancient City, eating, biking, eating, biking, eating, biking, eating, biking and eating (and biking).  Chris swears he is headed home with a bruised tailbone from all of the time spent in the saddle.  They left no rice paddy unexplored, no buffalo undisturbed, and no Vietnamese woman without a good laugh.  The locals had nearly as much fun photographing Chris (Awkwardly Tall Pale Guy) as Chris and Kelly had photographing them. He will likely be featured in many family Tetmas cards around Vietnam next year.

Enjoying a seafood hotpot at the Mermaid

Enjoying the infamous red couch

Proudly displaying the homemade Hoi An lanterns
(or glowing uteruses as they were fondly nicknamed)

Savoring Seaweed Pringles (note the green theme)

A river boat in the rain

Photo in the ferns

Hamming it up at the beach with Uncle Chris

Still hamming it up...

Birthday dinner for a tweeniebopper at Morning Glory

Perusing the spa menu

This is where the nipple scrub comes in to play.  Brianna, Kelly and I went to the spa for a little treat over the weekend.  We perused the menu and had some difficulty making a choice, because everything sounded like a treat. We had the option of scrubs, wraps, massages, facials, pedicures, manicures and more.  We were a little unsure of the scrub/wrap option so we asked for some clarification in our best English.  The sweet woman at the spa responded in her best Vietnamese.  We nodded and made up our own story (par for the course). Having never dabbled in a professional massage, I was more than a tad outside of my comfort zone.  Brianna was equally perplexed...intrigued yet concerned. Did this involve nakedness in any way?  Could she get a massage and keep her jeans on?  Kelly (a massage veteran) assured her that there would be no touching of her "parts," and that she would remain discreetly covered with a towel.  Brianna nodded and quickly opted for the fully-clothed facial and foot massage.  She was whisked away to her own spa space. 

Kelly and I, feeling adventurous, opted for the three-in-one combination of body scrub, body wrap and Asian massage.  We were escorted to the "couples" room where we looked at each other and the full length mirror and resigned ourselves to semi-nude bonding time - a vivid reminder of why it is that I have avoided the professional massage circuit up to this point.

Next our sweet and diminutive masseuses handed us each a pair of disposable granny panties (reminiscent of those post-partum beauties provided by the maternity ward) and told us to strip down.  It's important to note that is has been raining for two weeks in Hoi An, and the temperatures are seriously chilly for Vietnam.  There was no heat in this room apart from a rotating, electric heat fan that had been set up to hover briefly next to one table at a time.  So, frozen to death and nearly naked, I stretched out on one table and Kelly stretched out on the other for a torture session scrub with a freezing cold lather of something that was then ground into my goose bumps with sea salt.  My eyes were squeezed tightly shut, but I heard Kelly rotate on her plastic mattress next to me.  Then I heard her giggle.  "What's happening over there?" I asked.  "Ummm.  I think it's a good thing Brianna opted for the facial," Kelly replied.  "Ummmm...why?" I asked in alarm.  "Oh, you'll find out soon enough," she giggled.  Nothing is quite so relaxing as a full body scrub on a freezing day while you wait and wonder what the next humiliating horror will be.

When Kelly returned from the shower, she said, "I've never had the girls scrubbed in quite that way. The only other stranger who's been that intimate with my nipples was a lactation consultant."  And we were only 1/3 of the way through this special treat.  The wrap proved to be equally as amusing.  We were slathered in a mud concoction and wrapped in a plastic bag to set. Naturally there were various, graceless twists and turns in front of that full length mirror involved in getting wrapped from head to toe in translucent plastic.  Kelly was once again the first one in the shower.  She eventually came out and reported on the difficulty of scrubbing the peanut-butter like goo from her body.  I was anxious to take my turn in the shower for no other reason than to warm up.  I slunk in there with my mud-caked body and basked in the hot water for about thirty seconds before it turned luke warm, then cool, and finally cold. I scraped, and I froze in a desperate attempt to get the mud off.  Finally I had to crack open the door and ask for help.  Sadly, I was stuck with a cool scrub down to enhance the goose bumps heading into the massage portion of this treat.

The massage felt good.  I was kneaded, poked and prodded.  There was definitely someone straddling me on the bed. Kelly peeked to see what was going on.  This is the point at which Brianna was escorted into the room.  She took one look and opted to stare at the floor and give thanks for her fully-clothed facial.  Although the massage felt great and was very relaxing, it became much less so, knowing my eleven-year-old daughter was sitting at the end of the table horrified by what was going on.  We all left shaking out heads. I was thinking my aversion to professional massages wasn't so misplaced.  Brianna was thinking that she will NEVER get a massage. Kelly was thinking, "Dear God, did I really just have a nipple scrub?"

Spa flip flops - thankfully the only part of the spa
experience to be photographed

A dinner treat at Mango Rooms

Cozy corner at Mango Rooms

Passion fruit sangria brings out the
worst of the irreverence.

The green girls - sporting every possible shade of
green rainwear available in Vietnam.

A final photo - courtesy of Nolan



And yes, the Smurfs had to end their visit with
a sprint through the rain to the airport taxi -
once again sporting some special ponchos
in the rice paddy.

Bon voyage Chris and Kelly!  We're really going to miss you!